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People talk all the time, it's a basic fact of Human existence. And what people say can also be immensely entertaining. Take in or out of context, some people quotes range from downright stupid to downright naughty. While my AIM profile had become somewhat of a cult phenomena among a few Batavians, not everyone can access it and there is only so much space to put the quotes I've been collecting for nearly two years. This page will house these quotes in the future. If you don't get why a quote is funny, well, just nod along and keep reading, as its probably an inside joke.
Brad: "Andy's being dirty tonight." "If I weren't whitening my teeth right now, I'd call you and yell at you." "Do you guys have an ATM here?" "Don't do that, that's how you get herpes!" "No, no, no, Mexicans don't lie. They steal!" "Hi, welcome to "Excuse me, sir. I don't do drugs or drink or anything like that. I was just wondering if you could spare me a few dollars for some food. By the way I really like the way you did your hair today." "If we give condoms to the poor, we'll have no one to populate our food service industries. We can't very well be expected to wait on ourselves, now can we?"
"Since you just touched my crotch, I feel compelled to introduce myself." "Have a nice blowjob for me! No, seriously, blowjobs are so good! Have you ever had one?"
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"I'm just loungin' here for now cause I'm a fat black girl." "I don't think it was really an earthquake. It was probably Barb on a cruise ship in the Indian ocean. Fat bitch probably jumped into the sea and then, SPLASH! There goes Sri Lanka." Customer: *holding item* What's this? "That's the rhythm? I thought it was the gonorrhea coming back." Teri: We've been talking about pimping me out, me turning some tricks to make some extra money. Student: "We've finally found hard proof of your political party affiliation." "To reiterate, I do not want to have sex with anyone in this room. Sure, I might fantasize about it, but I do not want to actally do it." Brad: Crackwhore "It looks like there's a customer in aisle six who needs a dork to assist her. Tyler, go help her out." "Wanna hear me say something really gay? White socks with black shoes. Tsk tsk tsk." "Yes, hi, that laser printer you had in your ad this week. Can I connect that to my computer?" "Oooh! He's got a big one!" "Where's my cell phone... oh... duh!" "Sixteen bucks for an eight pack of razors!? No f**king way! Suck my cock! Suck my big white f**king cock!" "That's right, boy! Skip! Skip!" "I'd tell ya ta have a good day 'n' all but it looks like ya'll a'eady gonna have a good one." "Serves him right for being ugly." "They keep asking me where stuff is like I'm supposed to know. I mean jeez, just because I work here they expect me to help them." "Excuse me, sir, do you work here?" "I can't believe I just said that! How 80 year old vagina of me." "I'd marry him. I don't care if he has a small penis and a kinky pee fetish." "God damn, I lost it!" Mary Kate: "Aww, they were swapping porn over thanksgiving break, how cute. Wait... gay porn?" "I love them! Like children! ... That you eat..." "Hey Brad, remember when we used to lay in our beds and cry at night because we thought that Ryan thought he was too good for us?" Brad: *in Western civ paper* "The vicious battles of the first two world wars ripped the continent apart and annhilated countless lives." "Wow, that looks really fun." "A sovereign is someone who is habitually obeyed but obeys no one themselves... kind of like Vin Deisel." "Yoko Ono!" "Mmmm, boobies make the world go 'round... maybe because they are round and I like to touch them." "Come on, you know, deep in your heart, that you agree with the Nazis on this one." "I really hope that God loves Ryan, cause otherwise he's just wasting all his time." "Bitches. Go hump a vagina or something!" "Okay, I'm feeling kind of shitty, I'm going to do some history homework to cheer me up." "So there I was, Christmas Eve, walking through the red light district of Amsterdam with all the prostitutes showing off their goodies in the windows and wondering 'Oooh, I wonder if they'll be under my tree.'" "I don't care! A penis is a penis!" "Mmmmm... sex and morphine... what a combination..." "Truth tends to flow downhill... kind of like excrement." Jon: So you drive to Buffalo for work? That must be a long haul. "Aww, you don't like it when I hit you in the butt, do you Robbie?" "You think you have it bad? You know how long it's been since I've had sex? A week and a half!" "Wait! I've got an idea! *pops Mentho into mouth and smiles homosexually*." "Wow, that's a lot of, ummm, what do you call those stickers you put on bumpers... bumper stickers?" "Damn Kylie Minogue and her humongous teeth! I feel bad for any guy she's gone down on." "Everyone goes through that awkward adolescent phase. Paul's just been in that phase for the last seven years." "Come on, when was the last time you heard of 'The Three Basses'?" "I wonder if gay people sit around making fun of straight people like we do to them." While sitting in the Williams Center eating dinner there for the 100th time, Ashley spots 3 friends walking out... "These shorts are riding up on me like an 8-year old in church." "What the hell!? I'm going to f**king kill those fucking pussies!" "Wow, it's an old guy and a baseball player. That's kinda like the Brady Bunch." "I'm big, I'm dumb and I'm lovable!" "Mmmmmm, boys with large penises." "Eh, you see one penis, you've seen 'em all." "I'd like to be a porn star... but a monogamous one." "Ya know, sometimes having external genitals is really annoying. I mean they just get in the way at the worst times! They should make them retractable or something." "I can fake kiss guys really, really good!" "God I smell like a girl." "Good for you, Brad! Use those balls that God gave you!" "A small Guatemalan child to pour hot wax on your inner thigh would be helpful too." "Your fuzziness is hurting my hand." "Remember that smallness is fascinating. Like if you met someone with an abnormally small piece of anatomy." "A $25,000 reward for a missing kid? Jeez, they could just buy another one on the black market market for far less." "So no one remembers asking that question last class. That's really wierd. It's probably just the crack I smoked earlier, knowing me." "Okay, can we all just stop joking around and let me wash my nipple in peace?" "You know, I miss dressing like a whore and trying to lure boys with my breasts." "I'm fast for a fat kid! I have a big, hairy, turtle dick, too!" "You now Bon Jovi? Dude, that's my fetish, seriously. I mean if he asked me to be gay with him, I would in a heartbeat." "How am I supposed to study when everyone wants to hang out in my room? I mean c'mon, Mom, I'm The Man now!" "Don't worry, Brad, I still love you and your penis size!" "That's great! I heart Bush!" "Your hair looks darker today. I dunno, could be the crack." "No, I'm not drunk, I was just really scared. It's not like this happens to me every day!" "I think I'll go back to my room and watch Bridget Jones' Diary again. Or perhaps a chick flick..." "Oh my god, you can stick this places?" "Let's go back to doing drugs... actually I probably shouldn't say that to a group of college students." "Moving on to question 13, the answer is... crap! I forgot to take attendance." "Thank god, I've been meaning to drink myself into oblivion for a while now." "Did you just call my name?" "I only want you for your creamer." "Not that I really want to know, but how many of you are going to go home and light up a 6 foot water bong?" "I highly recommend using the time you spend in the bathroom to study. You'd be surprised how much those ten-minute sessions can add up to." Brad: "Ashley, we should rent a fridge for our dorm in Fredonia." "I wish I were thinner and straight." "Hey! You look good!" "Why won't my pants come down!?" "Eh, he's fine, probably used to the feeling of balls slapping him in the ass." "Hey, no comments from the penis gallery!" "Weed's not that expensive." "Contrary to what is being said, school I.S. in ses- err, uh, wait, no, school is in session on Monday." "Of course he's gay! He's frickin' gayer than I am!" "This class makes me want to smoke crack." "Just write a bunch of gibberish and end every sentence with 'I Love Ottawa'." "Does anyone remember when we did drugs in my class?" "I'm so pretty! Let me see me again!" "How can someone so ugly have an ego so big?" "The crack addicts are a very intelligent bunch, and they're not just limited to teaching government." |